I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess