hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
