There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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