We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
