My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
