Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Life is so much better after having sex.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
