Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you never un-have a 4some
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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