Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
