all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
