The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize