Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
