How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
