I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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