So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
as a side note pls kill me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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