they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
