I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love you. Go after that dick
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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