What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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