My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
