I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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