I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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