Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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