She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am available for nakedness
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
