Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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