You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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