so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
