the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
