I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
