this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
