I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Boobs are out for the taking
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
