He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
