I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
