theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.