This is not my ceiling
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
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I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.