Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list