it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
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I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.