ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing