I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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