my phone needs a breathalizer
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
