i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
