so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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