I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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