once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
