good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
