SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
