I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
