For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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