11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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