I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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