Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
