last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
