bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just forgot I was standing up.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
