My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
