got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
