you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
