we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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