There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
