So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
