She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
